and some new additions to the casita

Since Wade and Ruby were at the Ranchito last we have installed the honker wood burning heater for Winter and the misting fans for the summer.

I also got the TV enclosure outside finished. The TV is pretty cool for watching Football.

One of these days Mike and Wade are going to have to explain to me why they call it Football. Those guys clearly use their hands.

In that other game Wade watches where they actually use their feet they call it SOCCER…which actually sounds like something some East LA scumbag driving a lowrider and wearing a white jockey wife beater would do to his girlfriend…

This sports stuff gets very confusing…

I may actually be parked in front of this bad boy when you guys are sitting at the Rose Bowl. Then again, maybe not. I still don't understand why they put that National Championship game on a weeknight. That almost as puzzling as why they call it Football.

Cleaning up the Honorary Orchard and Pipers trauma

With the inspections completed we could now roll up the stakes and strings I originally used to layout the Honorary Olive Orchard. Here’s a picture of Lacey rolling up the layout string.

Do you see Piper behind Lacey? Like glued to her leg? This is no ordinary Canine Unconditional Love. This is classic Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome Mommy Please Protect Me Can I Please Hide Behind You Love...

The Pekinese in a cow dog costume had just gotten a life lesson on equine behavior.


I personally think that Piper was a very lucky Herbivore in a previous life that got reincarnated as Lacey’s Dog. She loves to roll in horse poop and steal the horses feed. She was really making a game of it today. Chief would take a bite and lift his head and Piper would swoop in and grab a bite. I really wish we had gotten a movie of this instead of just a still picture. When this picture was taken Lacey and I were both warning her to watch Chiefs ears because he clearly wasn’t happy with her game.

With no apparent repercussions she was getting really brave. Pekinese brave…even Kim Jong-il brave… That’s when she decided to snag a bite while Chief still had his head in the bowl.

Chief literally struck like a snake, bit her right on the scruff of the back/neck and picked her up and flipped her about four feet to the side. She was yelping and running for her Mother, Chief calmly went back to eating unmolested, and Lacey and I were laughing hysterically.

Piper is now traumatized and sleeping on a pile of Pats clean laundry on the couch in our bedroom and randomly twitching. High powered Doggy Therapy may be necessary. I wonder what Ceaser Whisperer whats his name charges per hour? Or maybe we can just quit buying that obscenely expensive venison and brown rice dog food and get her a personal bag of horse and mule sweet feed. Yeah right.

Life is good to be Piper.

Well, the Honorary Orchard inspections are complete

With Catastrophic Climate Change narrowly averted it was time to call for our Rossville Honorary Orchard Inspections.

Inspector Raccoon and Inspector Deer came first. They signed off with no problem. Inspector Raccoon liked it so much he signed off several times...


Then, it was time for Inspector Pig. He begrudgingly gave his stamp of approval after being informed that We were planning to FENCE THEM OUT now that we had all the proper authorizations.

After all, I AM somewhat of a Libertarian at heart and now that we have all our approvals completed I don't want those pesky Bureaucrats messing with our Honorary Olive Orchard.

Full Disclosure (the fine print)

OK guys. I gotta level with you here.

My intentions for the DeBaroncelli-Gentz Honorary Olive Orchard were not ENTIRELY Altruistic.

At some point the trees in your Honorary Carbon Dioxide Sucking Olive Orchard are going to grow up and want to make babies.

My dark and dirty capitalist intentions are to exploit these future olive tree fetus and make sure they are never born into trees. Think of me as a new flora branch of Planned Parenthood. A very sadistic branch.

Some I intend to soak in brine and spices in order to preserve the little olive fetus for consumption.

Some I will just smash and crush till the oil oozes from their little olive fetus bodies.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

I feel better already just getting that confession off my chest.

I love you guys more than you will ever know.

Merry Christmas!

Papa Jack

Dallas Cowboys save the day...

Saturday was scary...Dramatic man caused climate change could no longer be denied. What could stop this new man caused ice age? Where was I going to run when they came after me with torches and pitchforks?

Who would save the world?...and then the impossible happened.

The suck ass Dallas Cowboys beat the undefeated New Orleans Saints Saturday night against million to one odds.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

Jerry Jones is our savior. Praise the Jones.

You guys have lived in San Antonio. You know how antiquated we are here.

Heck, 99% of the people still call the Winter Holiday "Christmas" and at least half the town celebrates the season with tamales and beans. The tamale factories have been working overtime for weeks getting ready. These tamale feasts typically are staggered throughout the holiday limiting and balancing the ecological ramifications.

The miraculous Cowboy victory caused almost a million people to break out the tamales and beans and Bud light simultaneously in joyous celebration. The consequential and inevitable result of this gluttony was a massive and virtually simultaneous release of global warming gas which rushed straight to Rossville and restored the fragile global eco-balance.

The tipping point was untipped!

Praise the Jones. Long live the Cowboys.

Finishing the trees Thursday and more unintended consequences

So...work continues Thursday. The rest of the trees get planted and watered in. The Honorary DeBaroncelli-Gentz Olive Orchard is on line and in business.


Carbon Dioxide is being sucked into Rossville, Texas like a black hole in space sucks in cosmic dust.

Meanwhile, the clouds in the East continue to darken and build.

Arctic winds rush South like Wargs out of Mordor. Snow starts to fall.

An inch.

A foot.

Two feet.

Millions of people are stranded in their homes. Huge North Eastern Cities are paralyzed.

Airports are closed.

Congress can't leave for "Winter Holiday" vacation putting the United States and the World in even greater danger.

Can this still be a coincidence? Were those four extra trees really the TIPPING POINT?

Planting the trees Wednesday and unintended consequences

We got serious about planting the trees Wednesday and got about half of them done.

I checked them after work and drove home with a deep sense of satisfaction and contentment. All was well with the world.

Then I had dinner and flipped on the news...and that's when I sensed the first omen of potential trouble. Sweden had been hit with a "hundred year" arctic storm. Copenhagen, which normally has a gulf stream induced temperate climate similar to LA had been slammed with a freak snowstorm. The UN Climate summit had descended into anarchy. Hugo Chavez was throwing metaphorical snowballs at the Great Satan Obama. Chances for binding climate change agreements were clearly slipping away.

These events were deeply troubling but I convinced myself that they were purely coincidental and unrelated to our new olive trees.

Still...it was a troubled sleep that night. The clouds were gathering in the East.

Getting the trees

Once the irrigation system was in it was time to get the trees…

Planting carbon dioxide sucking carbon credit trees is not something to be undertaken lightly. After extensive calculation I had determined that 73 trees was an auspicious number and would balance perfectly on the delicate high wire of our global eco-system.

When Viejo and I went to get the trees we discovered that to get the best discount on the 2 gallon trees we needed to purchase 4 more…We would actually save money getting 77 trees instead of 73…

Now, being a Capitalist Pig first and a Born Again Climate Changer second, I made the executive decision that 4 extra trees was no big deal.

Ahhhh…the hubris of Man…

Understand, this may look like an ordinary innocent olive tree to you but in truth it is a carbon dioxide devouring oxygen belching MACHINE that is not to be trifled with. Seconds after this photo was snapped Piper approached too close to the tree, sniffed it, and fell over in a hyper-oxygenated stupor. I had to bag her with an empty sweet feed sack to get her oxygen levels back down to normal.



Here is a picture of Piper receiving her first post trauma Occupational Safety Training seminar. I am explaining the hyper-oxygenated/carbon dioxide deficiency danger zone implications to her. Fighting Climate Change is serious business and should only be attempted by trained professionals. Children, don’t try this at home.

I swear my intentions were good!

This whole thing started innocently. Really. You guys are tough to buy for.

What does Wade REALLY want? My guess is a lot less work, 30 hour days and a lot more time at home with his family.

What does Mich want? SLEEEEEEEEEEP! LOTS of Sleep.

Sorry guys.

Both requests are beyond my pay grade.

After I lowered my sights to achievable things I started researching what ultra-cool people gave as gifts and I discovered that a hot item was honorary trees.

Go figure. I was doing research at the checkout aisle at HEB while buying Blue Bell Southern Blackberry Cobbler Ice Cream and saw that BRAD PITT buys honorary Papaya Trees in Malasia to offset his carbon footprint...It was quite an epiphany for me.

And that's how this whole journey started. I could get you guys an Honorary Tree!

But PAPAYA'S? Bleeeech! Y'all just aren't the Papaya type. I mean maybe as part of a fruit salad but an HONORARY TREE? Naaaaa....

Besides, Brad Pitt is short and his kids are funny looking...

Soooo...while I was strolling around the ranchito and meditating about what kind of honorary tree would be appropriate a dove sailed by over my head. (Fortunately for him I wasn't holding my .410 or he would have ended up on the pit stuffed with jalapeno and cheese and wrapped in bacon but I digress) and I realized...it was a sign! Dove...olive branch...dove...olive branch...an OLIVE TREE!

Peace be with you! It's just SO So-Cal ultra hip!

Naturally this has to be the PERFECT olive tree for you guys so the research started...

Arbequena? Mission? Manzanilla? Pendelino? Leccino? Ahhhh decisions decisions...

And that's when the dark side of my over-achieving persona reared it's ugly head...

I wanted them ALL! Bwahahahahahahahahaha!

And that's how it started.

First, we had to be realistic. We live in Texas. It occasionally gets hot and dry in Texas. The trees will need water. So we dig holes and trenches. We put in pipe. Lots of holes trenches and pipe.